Trying to put words to what goes on inside my brain is a lot harder than I thought it would be! I want to explain what it is like when I can't get things just right.
One of my most vivid memories of this is when I was in middle school. One morning nothing was fitting into place and I just couldn't get it to feel right. I kept turning my bedroom light off and on, trying to get it to feel right. My mom hollered at me to stop it, so I did. It ruined my entire day. I went through the day in a fog of fear. All I could think about was that dang light and how leaving it the way I did was going to cause great harm. I just knew I would go home and something terrible had happened. And it would be all my fault.
This is how I felt when I couldn't get things to feel right. I had to keep doing things until it felt right, there is really no other way to say it. If I couldn't accomplish that, I had a terrible feeling of doom and guilt. Is that a rational thought? Of course not, but OCD is not rational.
Even now, all these years later, when I have a lot of knowledge about what is going on with me, I still fight off that anxiety at times. If I can't close the bread wrapper just right, or close a jar just right, it leaves me feeling fearful. I still can't leave anything upside down, or that is all I think about for a while. I still get so frustrated at times when I can't make something work right, if I can't make it FEEL right. Thankfully, now that I have an understanding about what OCD is and does, I can combat those horrible feelings and win most of the time. But, as a child, it was torture. I never told my parents or anyone else about it. I don't think I even thought it was something to talk about. I had no idea that the thoughts I had were any different than anyone else's thoughts. It was just how life was.
I had no idea what was going on with me until my son was diagnosed with OCD. He had a very rough time of it and had panic attacks. He went from being a straight A student, to failing every subject. I took him to several doctors trying to find out what was going on. He had every test under the sun, and we did find out he has a heart murmur. But, it took several doctors and a couple of years of trying before we found someone who could put a name to it. After talking to the doctor and learning more about OCD, it all clicked in my head. I had a name for all that went on in my mind! It was actually a relief. That saying, "knowledge is power" is very true. It gives you strength to fight off the bad thoughts.
Medication has helped my son a great deal. He still struggles, but he can function in life now. I never took medication. I found ways to cope without it and most of the time I can get through a day with minimal anxiety. I'm sure the terrible depression and OCD are tied together somehow, and maybe I should pursue this and see a doctor and try medications, but I really don't want to! They are expensive and I would rather my son get his medications.
If you have thoughts that are not rational, and fears that make no sense to you, don't dispair! There are real reasons for it, and you can get help for it. If you can, talk to a doctor and be as honest as you can be. If the thoughts and anxiety are controlling you and affecting your life, you need to act on it. You are stronger than you think, and you can get control.
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