So many times, I feel that I am in my own world. I watch others in amazement as they go about their lives. They get excited about things. They look forward to doing things. I am jealous!
One way to picture how I feel is to picture a stone wall. I am standing on that wall. One one side of me is my world where things are as I have always known them. There is no real excitement or what is known as great happiness. There is only daily life. It is gray and unchanging. On the other side of the wall is a whole world that I don't understand! People make plans and get excited about events that are going to happen. They are ambitious and energetic and have goals. I watch them, and wonder what it is like to live on that side of the wall!
Sometimes, I take tiny steps inside of their world, and I almost feel it. I can detect hints of happiness or excitement. I want to take the plunge and jump off the wall and into that world. But I am scared! I am a coward and I am scared! I don't know how to live that way and I am so terrified that I will give it a try and fail. I don't know what that would do to me. I fear it would be the last straw.
So, I stay on my own side of the wall. I have torn holes in the wall so I can watch and wonder about that other world, but I am just too much of a coward to leave my side.
Some people have told me that I have a great sense of humor, and I like that. I do try to find humor in things and write about it in my Wordpress blog. I feel more of a connection with people if I can make them laugh. It gives me hope that I might actually understand on some level about happiness and how that other world functions. It makes me wonder if I can at some point decide to tear bigger holes in that wall and let color and light into my gray side!
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