Sunset Ponderings (Haiku)

late summer evening

deep orange of a sunset

where do I fit in?

Memories (Haiku)

Memories dancing

Lovely music laced with lies

My soul is exposed

Don't Exaggerate

There is a trap that I fall into far too often.  I actually don't think I realized it until just recently!  I exaggerate problems until they are all out of proportion.  My mom used to tell me to stop making mountains out of molehills and I didn't understand.  It made me mad that she wouldn't take me seriously when I was terrified of something.  I didn't realize that I was borrowing trouble.  I was convinced a certain situation would just get worse and worse before anything would actually happen!

I still do this.  I blow things all out of proportion before I even have all of the facts.  I assume the very worst will happen.  Now, however, if I notice myself doing this, I try to take a breath and tell myself to calm down and just see what is going to happen.  I need to let the situation play out and work to change my way of thinking.  By doing this it will reduce my stress level.  

If you struggle with depression and anxiety, I ask you to be aware of how you approach a stressful situation. Try to not get all tied up in knots before you even have a clue how things will turn out!  It will help. 

Imaginary World

I have never told anyone about my imaginary world.  I think I knew that I was treading on questionable ground, and I didn't want anyone to think I was absolutely crazy.  Since this blog is for me to be honest with myself, I will dip into this forbidden territory and tell a little about it.

It started when I was fairly young and in school.  I hated school.  I didn't mind the actual school assignments (except math, I struggled HARD at that), but I was terrified all of the time.  I am not and never have been overly intelligent, and I am not even close to what you would call pretty.  Kids being kids, I was teased and made fun of a lot.  In other words, I was bullied and on a daily basis.

I loved to read, and I discovered The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings early on. I know that is where I got the idea about being an other-worldly type of person.  I started out in my pretend world being an elf.  I would imagine being in a whole different world; a world of beauty and a simpler way of life.  I was mysterious, but I was a hero.  I excelled at saving people from the nasty orcs and goblins.  I was wise and gave out wonderful advice.

Over the years, that character has developed into something more.  He (yes, my make believe self is male) became not an elf, but the son of a great king from another dimension.  His race closely resembles the elves, so he was raised with them and could pass as one.  He was sent to this other world on a very specific mission.  I have most of the details of it in my head, but it would involve me writing an actual book to put it all on paper.

I used to retreat to this world when life was too much for me to handle.  Even while at work, I would suddenly realize where I was and that time had passed and I was just sitting at my desk, in a daze.  I had been lost in my world.  It sometimes scared me because my other world seemed so real and I hated it when I had to come back to my actual reality.  So, I learned to control it.  I didn't want anyone to notice.

After I met my husband, I gave up that world for a time.  Life was very busy, and I was much happier and it kept me in the real world.  I had three children, and even though that life was stressful at times, I kept grounded.  When my husband and eldest son were killed in an auto accident, my entire world crashed.  I became lost in my other world more and more often.  I finally quit working altogether.  I still had two children to raise, but it was so hard.  I know they have suffered for my terrible mistakes and my inability to keep working for almost two years after the accident.  We were so broke, and things were very hard.

I was finally able to gain some control and I did go back to work.  I still use my imaginary world to help me go to sleep.  I imagine being this person (he has a name, but I don't want to share it yet) and this person is so wonderful!  I picture him wandering the beautiful forests of my own world, and helping to keep it safe.  It helps me fall to sleep.  It gives me some comfort that my world is right there if I need it again.

I have considered writing a book about his story.  If I had any talent at all, I think it would actually make a decent fantasy novel.  If I do give it a try, I better get started!  I am not getting any younger.

Taming Your Mind

Who knows what starts or causes depression.  I think it can be different for everyone.  I can't remember a time that I did not feel emotionless or hopeless, at least to some extent.  Sometimes, I do feel very sad as well, but depression is not always about being sad.

I have been finding interesting articles and opinions on the subject.  I think they have helped me to understand better than the doctors did!  All they wanted me to do was take pills and try to live stress free.  Well, good luck on that.  I don't know a single person who doesn't have stress!  Life is stressful!  

What I became interested in is what processes your brain goes through when you are feeling hopeless, or sad, or dwelling on bad thoughts.  It seems it is agreed that this causes a very bad downward spiral that is not so easy to get out of.  

I very much liked this article. http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a112.htm

Also, as much as I hate to admit it, I probably make myself worse my suppressing happiness.  After years of feeling the way I do, I tend to be astounded if I have a time where I laugh easily.  I almost feel guilty as if I am cheating on myself.  That sounds ridiculous, even to me, but there it is.  

I am going to try to surround myself with more positive people and situations.  I tend to spend all of my time off in my room alone.  I feel frantic to make sure I rest and relax as much as I can before I have to go back to work as I am always exhausted.  What I am finding is that my life is just sliding away and I am wasting it.

So, I am going to attempt to get involved in my life more, and I am going to find things that make me smile and do more of that!  Even if depression is an illness you are born with and you have the chemical imbalances, I think you can help adjust them by doing things you enjoy.  

I will post my progress.

Getting On My Own Nerves

I love the wititudes.com site!  I have to admit that I do like that kind of humor.

I have decided that even though this blog is for me to write the sad out, I need to accept and admit that being depressed isn't all of who/what I am!  I want to share other things as well.  I want to add bright spots to the gloom.

I saw this and just had to share it.  I can very much relate to this!  I do get on my own nerves at time.

Insomnia

Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and insomnia are best buddies. One does not go anyplace without the other!  I don't want to break up a good team, but come on!  Having one of these is enough for anyone, but all three?  That is really too much!

I have tried every over-the-counter medication and tried a few home remedies that I have found online.  A lot of the medications don't actually help at all with the sleeping, but they sure give me nightmares when I do sleep!  Um, thanks but no thanks.

So far, the best thing for me is to go to bed at least 30 minutes before I would like to be asleep, and read.  I get very drowsy when I read at any time of day.  It kind of sucks sometimes, because I love to read.  I will be looking forward to a good book, but can only read about 15 minutes here and there or I will fall asleep.

This is good as it helps me go to sleep.  The sucky part is that I only sleep three to six hours and then I am awake, and there is no going back to sleep.  I spend the rest of the night just being still and keeping my eyes closed, just in case I do fall back to sleep.  I go through most of my days feeling groggy and my eyes hurt.  It causes headaches as well.

I am thinking to ask the doctor for a real sleep aid.  I don't want to take chemicals, but I have a busy job and it is taking its toll on me!  I am 58 years old, and I need all the help I can get with my energy level!

If you know of a routine or herbal remedy that works for you, please share it with me.

Thanks for reading!

Living In Two Worlds

So many times, I feel that I am in my own world.  I watch others in amazement as they go about their lives.  They get excited about things.  They look forward to doing things.  I am jealous!

One way to picture how I feel is to picture a stone wall.  I am standing on that wall.  One one side of me is my world where things are as I have always known them.  There is no real excitement or what is known as great happiness.  There is only daily life.  It is gray and unchanging.  On the other side of the wall is a whole world that I don't understand!  People make plans and get excited about events that are going to happen. They are ambitious and energetic and have goals.  I watch them, and wonder what it is like to live on that side of the wall!

Sometimes, I take tiny steps inside of their world, and I almost feel it.  I can detect hints of happiness or excitement.  I want to take the plunge and jump off the wall and into that world.  But I am scared!  I am a coward and I am scared!  I don't know how to live that way and I am so terrified that I will give it a try and fail.  I don't know what that would do to me.  I fear it would be the last straw.  

So, I stay on my own side of the wall.  I have torn holes in the wall so I can watch and wonder about that other world, but I am just too much of a coward to leave my side.

Some people have told me that I have a great sense of humor, and I like that.  I do try to find humor in things and write about it in my Wordpress blog.  I feel more of a connection with people if I can make them laugh. It gives me hope that I might actually understand on some level about happiness and how that other world functions.  It makes me wonder if I can at some point decide to tear bigger holes in that wall and let color and light into my gray side!

Depressed People Are Selfish?

I happened upon an interesting article about depression.  The writer is a little harsh, maybe, but has a right to his point of view.  Here is the article for you to read, and then I will post my response.

http://tomahaiku.com/youre-not-depressed-youre-selfish/

This is my personal belief, and one that my doctor seems to agree with.  

To say that you are depressed is like saying you went to a store and expect me to just know which store and what you bought while there.  There are so many different kinds of depression.  There seems to be different degrees of depression as well.

Depression can be triggered by upsetting life events. Usually, time will resolve it.  Everyone in the world gets sad (which is not depression, in my thinking) and even depressed at times when life is overwhelming. With a little help from a doctor and/or friends, this feeling will leave.

True depression is not logical.  I don't think some of the things the author wrote, such as "I'm fat", "I hate my job", "I don't have friends" and so on. Everyone has these feelings and thoughts at times, and it is normal.  That is not true depression.  When I have my very bad times I have no explanation why I am feeling the way I am.  I can't really think of a good reason to feel the way I do, I just know I am struggling to even get out of bed in the morning.  The lack of feeling, the lack of any drive to do..well..anything is draining. But, the depression isn't caused by any one thing or combination of things that would explain it.

I do very much agree with this author about positive thinking.  I have learned to seek out and focus on the positive in people and in everyday life.  If I am feeling overwhelmed, I try to think of something that is going to happen that day that I can live with, and I hold onto that.  It does help.  It really does help to tell myself that the day is going to be fine.  I will smile and try to make someone else smile, and all will be fine.  You do have to keep positive, even when you don't want to be!

I also agree that if you dwell on it and talk constantly to others about being depressed it will hurt you and not help you.  I can see how it can come off as being selfish.  I am writing a lot about depression here on this blog, but that is why I have the blog.  It is to simply write about it.  I am amazed at how it has helped!  Just to get it out of my head for all to see is like therapy. 

If you read the article, what did you think?

Face of Depression

One thing that is very hard about having depression is the responses I get from people.  For the most part, I keep it all to myself.  I mean, what is the point of going around telling everyone that I have depression? That would actually be very strange.  

Over the years, I have learned to put on my happy mask and get through the days.  I even have friends who tell me they love how I am so cheerful and positive.  They like that I can find humor in all situations.  Truthfully, I do try to do that.  I have to or I will give up completely!  It's not a bad thing to try to find the good in all people and in all situations, right?

But, if I do tell them how I struggle, and have struggled my entire life with fear and sadness, they are stunned.

"You don't look sad."  Is a fairly common response.  "You laugh a lot and seem happy.  If you are depressed, wouldn't you be sad?"

I understand why they are confused.  Yes, I wear my happy mask and I even try to feel happy.  I even have times when I feel pretty okay.  And, I have times when I feel so empty and hopeless that I don't care what happens to me.  I have been this way my entire life and I have learned how to keep going, even if I don't want to.

There is a HUGE difference between being sad and being depressed.  Everyone is sad at times.  Everyone has tragic things happen that throw their life out of whack, and it can be hard to get back to yourself again.  The difference is that you do eventually get yourself back, and can carry on with your life as usual.  It might be changed a bit, because traumatic events will change you, no matter how happy you are. But, true depression doesn't go away.  It is always there.  As I said, there are times that it fades to the background, but it is always there.  

Unless you have depression, there really is no good way to explain it.  I can only say that just because someone acts happy and positive doesn't always mean that they feel that way.  Depression is something I feel I have to hide away.  It is humiliating.  I get embarrassed about it.  I feel as if I am an inferior person because of it.  

I only ask that you be respectful of the feelings of others, and that you accept that you don't understand everything.  Please don't harshly judge others just because you can't relate to what they feel or think. The face of depression isn't always a sad face.  

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (part 2)

Trying to put words to what goes on inside my brain is a lot harder than I thought it would be!  I want to explain what it is like when I can't get things just right.

One of my most vivid memories of this is when I was in middle school.  One morning nothing was fitting into place and I just couldn't get it to feel right.  I kept turning my bedroom light off and on, trying to get it to feel right.  My mom hollered at me to stop it, so I did.  It ruined my entire day.  I went through the day in a fog of fear.  All I could think about was that dang light and how leaving it the way I did was going to cause great harm.  I just knew I would go home and something terrible had happened.  And it would be all my fault.  

This is how I felt when I couldn't get things to feel right.  I had to keep doing things until it felt right, there is really no other way to say it.  If I couldn't accomplish that, I had a terrible feeling of doom and guilt.  Is that a rational thought?  Of course not, but OCD is not rational.  

Even now, all these years later, when I have a lot of knowledge about what is going on with me, I still fight off that anxiety at times.  If I can't close the bread wrapper just right, or close a jar just right, it leaves me feeling fearful.  I still can't leave anything upside down, or that is all I think about for a while. I still get so frustrated at times when I can't make something work right, if I can't make it FEEL right. Thankfully, now that I have an understanding about what OCD is and does, I can combat those horrible feelings and win most of the time.  But, as a child, it was torture.  I never told my parents or anyone else about it.  I don't think I even thought it was something to talk about.  I had no idea that the thoughts I had were any different than anyone else's thoughts.  It was just how life was.  

I had no idea what was going on with me until my son was diagnosed with OCD.  He had a very rough time of it and had panic attacks.  He went from being a straight A student, to failing every subject.  I took him to several doctors trying to find out what was going on.  He had every test under the sun, and we did find out he has a heart murmur.  But, it took several doctors and a couple of years of trying before we found someone who could put a name to it.  After talking to the doctor and learning more about OCD, it all clicked in my head.  I had a name for all that went on in my mind!  It was actually a relief.  That saying, "knowledge is power" is very true.  It gives you strength to fight off the bad thoughts.  

Medication has helped my son a great deal.  He still struggles, but he can function in life now.  I never took medication.  I found ways to cope without it and most of the time I can get through a day with minimal anxiety.  I'm sure the terrible depression and OCD are tied together somehow, and maybe I should pursue this and see a doctor and try medications, but I really don't want to!  They are expensive and I would rather my son get his medications.  

If you have thoughts that are not rational, and fears that make no sense to you, don't dispair!  There are real reasons for it, and you can get help for it.  If you can, talk to a doctor and be as honest as you can be. If the thoughts and anxiety are controlling you and affecting your life, you need to act on it.  You are stronger than you think, and you can get control. 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (part 1)

I don't know if you know what OCD is, or what it does.  There are many forms and it can affect different people in different ways.  When I was a child, things like this were not well known like they are now.  I had no idea why I did the things I did, or thought the horrible thoughts I had.  I know I irritated my mom and she didn't have a clue what was going on.  

When I try to think back and remember when it started, I can't.  I think it was always there.  I would have to do things in even numbers, and the target number was four.  Some examples would be...turning a light on and off four times, open and close a drawer four times, tying each of my shoes twice so it would equal four.  You get the picture.  The simple act of making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich was very stressful.  When I open a jar I still get stressed.  In order to close the jar, I not only have to do it four times, but I have to make sure there is air in the jar.  I have to kind of swoosh air into the jar and quickly slam on the lid.  If it doesn't feel right, if I don't think there is enough air in the jar, I have to start over. Sometimes, I am reduced to tears because I can't get it right!  I also still have issues with anything being upside down.  When shopping for food, you will find me in the canned goods aisle fixing the cans that are not right.  My daughter will gently pull me away and I snap out of it.  

Basically, if I could do things an even number, preferably four times, all was well.  My parents would holler at me when they saw lights going off and on, or drawers being slammed over and over.  It's not their fault.  They had no clue and neither did I!  I know my mom was irritated when it took me forever to do simple chores, such as dishes or sweeping and she would sometimes just tell me to go and she would finish.  It takes a while to wash dishes when you have to do each one four times.  

Well, that hits the highlights of what it is like for me. There is really so much more to it, but this is as much as I can easily explain in words.  The next post will be about the consequences of not doing things in even numbers.  You see, when the routine gets interrupted, there is a price to pay.  It wreaks all kinds of havoc.  I will gather my thoughts and try to explain next post.

Thanks for reading. 

Depression

Depression is very confusing. Sometimes, I see it in my mind as a Pac Man Game. Pac Man cruises along, eating the dots as he goes about his business. His big mouth opening and closing as he devours all of the dots in the maze.

Depression is like that. It slowly eats away at you until you can't feel yourself anymore. You slowly lose who you are. The edges of your existence blur and fade until you are numb. After a while, you can't remember what it was to feel anything else but the sadness and hopelessness. Your past means nothing and there is no future. At least not a future that you want to think about.

As I said, it is confusing. The depression is in our own bodies, so why can't it be controlled? Shouldn't I be able to shrug it off and make the decision to not let it be in control? Certainly, I have been told to do just that by many people.

“You're being silly.” I'm told. “Just stop being sad and be happy. You can make that decision.”

And yet, here I am. I have lost all joy in life. I try to cling to events in the past that made me happy, but I can't see a way back to that place. There is nothing to look forward to, only things to dread. Only intense fear and sadness.

I am not talking about a period of time when you are sad. Everyone goes through that. Things happen to upset us, and it can take time to recover. I have had those things happen. It is completely different. Not even close to the same feeling.

If you have not suffered from true depression, there is no way to accurately describe it. I used to get frustrated trying to explain it to someone when they tried to 'snap me out of it' as they say. Now, I just say that I don't expect them to understand, and it doesn't really matter. It is my battle to fight. I fear that as I get older, I might not win. And yet, here I am.

I try to live one day at a time, and no further. If I think about what is to come, even a few months from now, I might not have the courage to go on. So, I just try to think about today and maybe the next day, and no further. It does help.