Depression

Depression is very confusing. Sometimes, I see it in my mind as a Pac Man Game. Pac Man cruises along, eating the dots as he goes about his business. His big mouth opening and closing as he devours all of the dots in the maze.

Depression is like that. It slowly eats away at you until you can't feel yourself anymore. You slowly lose who you are. The edges of your existence blur and fade until you are numb. After a while, you can't remember what it was to feel anything else but the sadness and hopelessness. Your past means nothing and there is no future. At least not a future that you want to think about.

As I said, it is confusing. The depression is in our own bodies, so why can't it be controlled? Shouldn't I be able to shrug it off and make the decision to not let it be in control? Certainly, I have been told to do just that by many people.

“You're being silly.” I'm told. “Just stop being sad and be happy. You can make that decision.”

And yet, here I am. I have lost all joy in life. I try to cling to events in the past that made me happy, but I can't see a way back to that place. There is nothing to look forward to, only things to dread. Only intense fear and sadness.

I am not talking about a period of time when you are sad. Everyone goes through that. Things happen to upset us, and it can take time to recover. I have had those things happen. It is completely different. Not even close to the same feeling.

If you have not suffered from true depression, there is no way to accurately describe it. I used to get frustrated trying to explain it to someone when they tried to 'snap me out of it' as they say. Now, I just say that I don't expect them to understand, and it doesn't really matter. It is my battle to fight. I fear that as I get older, I might not win. And yet, here I am.

I try to live one day at a time, and no further. If I think about what is to come, even a few months from now, I might not have the courage to go on. So, I just try to think about today and maybe the next day, and no further. It does help.