People Suck

I am feeling like I am so done with people and this life.  I am tired of being treated as if I owe my life and all of my time to those who think they are better than I am.

There is a saying (not sure of the exact wording)...

An emergency on your part does not make an emergency on my part

This is so true!  Just because you have need of something does NOT mean I am obligated to do your bidding!  Just because I provide a service does NOT mean I am your personal servant and you can have complete control over my time and my business rules.

People are basically jerks and it gets worse all of the time.  I can be a jerk, too, but at least I try hard to have basic respect for others and I do respect their time.

My stress level is through the roof and I have been having heart palpitations all morning.  My chest is tight and I am shaky and light headed.

Heart attack?  Maybe.  Probably mostly lack of sleep and stress.

Be kind to each other and don't ever think your needs are greater than the needs of others!  Don't think you are so important that you can manipulate people into doing what you want.

End of rant.

Taming Your Mind

Who knows what starts or causes depression.  I think it can be different for everyone.  I can't remember a time that I did not feel emotionless or hopeless, at least to some extent.  Sometimes, I do feel very sad as well, but depression is not always about being sad.

I have been finding interesting articles and opinions on the subject.  I think they have helped me to understand better than the doctors did!  All they wanted me to do was take pills and try to live stress free.  Well, good luck on that.  I don't know a single person who doesn't have stress!  Life is stressful!  

What I became interested in is what processes your brain goes through when you are feeling hopeless, or sad, or dwelling on bad thoughts.  It seems it is agreed that this causes a very bad downward spiral that is not so easy to get out of.  

I very much liked this article. http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a112.htm

Also, as much as I hate to admit it, I probably make myself worse my suppressing happiness.  After years of feeling the way I do, I tend to be astounded if I have a time where I laugh easily.  I almost feel guilty as if I am cheating on myself.  That sounds ridiculous, even to me, but there it is.  

I am going to try to surround myself with more positive people and situations.  I tend to spend all of my time off in my room alone.  I feel frantic to make sure I rest and relax as much as I can before I have to go back to work as I am always exhausted.  What I am finding is that my life is just sliding away and I am wasting it.

So, I am going to attempt to get involved in my life more, and I am going to find things that make me smile and do more of that!  Even if depression is an illness you are born with and you have the chemical imbalances, I think you can help adjust them by doing things you enjoy.  

I will post my progress.

Depressed People Are Selfish?

I happened upon an interesting article about depression.  The writer is a little harsh, maybe, but has a right to his point of view.  Here is the article for you to read, and then I will post my response.

http://tomahaiku.com/youre-not-depressed-youre-selfish/

This is my personal belief, and one that my doctor seems to agree with.  

To say that you are depressed is like saying you went to a store and expect me to just know which store and what you bought while there.  There are so many different kinds of depression.  There seems to be different degrees of depression as well.

Depression can be triggered by upsetting life events. Usually, time will resolve it.  Everyone in the world gets sad (which is not depression, in my thinking) and even depressed at times when life is overwhelming. With a little help from a doctor and/or friends, this feeling will leave.

True depression is not logical.  I don't think some of the things the author wrote, such as "I'm fat", "I hate my job", "I don't have friends" and so on. Everyone has these feelings and thoughts at times, and it is normal.  That is not true depression.  When I have my very bad times I have no explanation why I am feeling the way I am.  I can't really think of a good reason to feel the way I do, I just know I am struggling to even get out of bed in the morning.  The lack of feeling, the lack of any drive to do..well..anything is draining. But, the depression isn't caused by any one thing or combination of things that would explain it.

I do very much agree with this author about positive thinking.  I have learned to seek out and focus on the positive in people and in everyday life.  If I am feeling overwhelmed, I try to think of something that is going to happen that day that I can live with, and I hold onto that.  It does help.  It really does help to tell myself that the day is going to be fine.  I will smile and try to make someone else smile, and all will be fine.  You do have to keep positive, even when you don't want to be!

I also agree that if you dwell on it and talk constantly to others about being depressed it will hurt you and not help you.  I can see how it can come off as being selfish.  I am writing a lot about depression here on this blog, but that is why I have the blog.  It is to simply write about it.  I am amazed at how it has helped!  Just to get it out of my head for all to see is like therapy. 

If you read the article, what did you think?

Face of Depression

One thing that is very hard about having depression is the responses I get from people.  For the most part, I keep it all to myself.  I mean, what is the point of going around telling everyone that I have depression? That would actually be very strange.  

Over the years, I have learned to put on my happy mask and get through the days.  I even have friends who tell me they love how I am so cheerful and positive.  They like that I can find humor in all situations.  Truthfully, I do try to do that.  I have to or I will give up completely!  It's not a bad thing to try to find the good in all people and in all situations, right?

But, if I do tell them how I struggle, and have struggled my entire life with fear and sadness, they are stunned.

"You don't look sad."  Is a fairly common response.  "You laugh a lot and seem happy.  If you are depressed, wouldn't you be sad?"

I understand why they are confused.  Yes, I wear my happy mask and I even try to feel happy.  I even have times when I feel pretty okay.  And, I have times when I feel so empty and hopeless that I don't care what happens to me.  I have been this way my entire life and I have learned how to keep going, even if I don't want to.

There is a HUGE difference between being sad and being depressed.  Everyone is sad at times.  Everyone has tragic things happen that throw their life out of whack, and it can be hard to get back to yourself again.  The difference is that you do eventually get yourself back, and can carry on with your life as usual.  It might be changed a bit, because traumatic events will change you, no matter how happy you are. But, true depression doesn't go away.  It is always there.  As I said, there are times that it fades to the background, but it is always there.  

Unless you have depression, there really is no good way to explain it.  I can only say that just because someone acts happy and positive doesn't always mean that they feel that way.  Depression is something I feel I have to hide away.  It is humiliating.  I get embarrassed about it.  I feel as if I am an inferior person because of it.  

I only ask that you be respectful of the feelings of others, and that you accept that you don't understand everything.  Please don't harshly judge others just because you can't relate to what they feel or think. The face of depression isn't always a sad face.